Recipes without all the BS

I'll update this page every time I add another recipe to my blog. That way you can still benefit from my triumphs without weeding through the ridiculously crude photo manipulation and babble in between <3

Holy Frijoles
1 pkg dried Peruano beans (or Northern Beans)
1 Onion, cut in half
4 cloves garlic, peeled and cut in halves
2 Tbsp vegetable or canola oil
1 dried Chile de Arbol, or 2-3 dried serrano peppers
salt to taste

Rinse beans and pick out any deformed ones or rocks...yes rocks, it happens. Put in a large pan and cover with water, add onion and garlic and about a tbsp salt. Cover and boil for 2 hours, until beans are soft.

Meanwhile add the oil and your chile to a large skillet and heat on medium high for about 10-15 minutes. Be sure to turn on your vent fan as your chiles will start to smoke--this is where the flavor comes in! turn to low heat.

Once your beans are soft, drain excess water, you will need some water in your beans, but if it looks like more than a cup, best drain it. Now it's time to transfer your beans to the skillet. Make sure your oil is not scalding-hot by spritzing a little water in. if it pops and splatters, then wait for your oil to cool a little longer. You want your beans to simmer in the oil, but not burn and smoke.

Add your beans and everything else that was in the pot (onion/garlic) to the oil and begin mashing with a potato masher until beans are nice and smooth, add a little water if your beans look lumpy. Enjoy!

Killer Mango Ceviche
1 Mango, chopped
1/2 Cup chopped onion
1 Roma tomato, chopped
1 Cucumber, chopped
1 Cup of chopped, lemon/lime marinated white fish/shrimp (see note below)
1-2 Jalapenos finely chopped
1 Tbsp Fresh Cilantro, chopped
Lemon/Lime juice to cover fish (see below)

Cut up our fish or shrimp into 1/4 inch pieces, place in a  Tupperware container. Add lemon or lime juice and cover. I use lemon, but my mom uses lime, both are great! Make sure you add enough juice to completely cover fish or shrimp. Remember, don't add any salt, water, or spices of you will alter acidity levels! Put lid on, refrigerate for 24 hours. Drain completely in a colander and lightly salt.

Cut up all the other ingredients and add with fish to a large bowl. Combine and enjoy on top of tostadas, eat with chips, or just enjoy on its own.

(Means Enjoy in Spanish)

The Mouthgasm:
Sliced Strawberries 
& Sweet Balsamic Syrup 

2 cups sliced strawberries
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar (use the cheap stuff!)
1/4 cup sugar

Add vinegar and sugar to a small pan on high heat. Bring to boil. Boil and stir for 3 minutes, your liquid should start looking syrupy and should coat the back of your spoon. If it doesn't, boil for a little longer. Let cool, then drizzle over sliced strawberries. Enjoy!

Ridiculously easy, and so good. You're welcome :D

Tequila Citrus Pork Tacos
Serves 3-4

2 lbs boneless pork chops, cut in tiny pieces
1/4 cup of chopped pancetta
1/2 cup onion, chopped
1/4 cup tequila
Juice from 1/2 of a lemon
1 clove garlic, smashed
2 tsp chili powder
Salt and pepper to taste
Your choice of toppings, bring on the avocado!

Add pancetta to pan on high heat and cook until juices start to run out. Add onion and tequila letting onions sweat for about 2 minutes. Add pork, garlic, lemon juice, and chili powder and cook until pork is no longer pink in the middle. Add salt and pepper to taste.

Make your fried cheese tortillas as explained above using whatever kind of cheese you prefer. I have tried just about everything but the best is Cheddar, mozzarella, or a "Mexican cheese blend".

Now add your toppings! I usually cut up some cabbage and top with sour cream and avocado. Enjoy!

Arroz De La Weda (White Girl Rice)
Serves 4

1 1/2 cup Jasmine rice
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 garlic clove, smashed
1 cup green tomato or tomatillo salsa
1 1/2 cup chicken broth
1/2 cup water
1 Tbsp chicken bullion or tomato/chicken bullion

Add oil to skillet on high heat, add rice and brown until grains are nice and toasty on all sides. Avoid burning by stirring around every 30 seconds. Add the rest of your ingredients and stir around. Bring to a boil, then turn down to medium heat, you can throw a jalapeno in the middle of your cooking rice to add a little heat if desired. Cover, and simmer until rice is done. Check periodically and add water if needed. Don't stir your rice around until it's done or it will get gummy.

Caramelized Orange Marmalade

makes 8 pints

12 large oranges
3 lemons

Slice oranges and lemons very thin. Measure raw fruit, add the same amount of water. Bring to a boil (you're gonna need a big pot!). Boil for 5 minutes. Cover, then let sit, covered over night. The next day, measure the cooked fruit. Then add 2/3 of that amount of sugar to your pot. Bring to a boil and reduce your liquid to a syrup, stirring frequently. Seriously...frequently, I was hovering over my pot and still managed to scorch the bottom of my pot! you will know it's a syrup when it sticks to the back of your spoon and is about the consistency of maple syrup, this will take HOURS. ladle hot syrup into sterilized jars, wipe rims, then can or refridgerate immediately after cooling. You can use either a water bath canner with a processing time of 10 minutes(depending on your elevation). Or use a pressure canner at 5lbs for 20 minutes. REMEMBER KIDDIES, ALWAYS BE SAFE WHEN CANNING, YOU COULD LITERALLY KILL SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING. IF YOU ARE NEW TO CANNING, I SUGGEST YOU CHECK OUT THE USDA GUIDELINES BEFORE TRYING ANYTHING AT HOME

Smokey Alfredo Shrimp/Chicken Calazones

Sauteed chicken/shrimp

1/2 cup chopped uncooked bacon or prosciutto
1/4 cup chopped onion
1 clove garlic, pressed
1-2lbs chicken or shrimp
Salt and Pepper to taste

Alfredo sauce
See above

Other ingredients
Pizza dough/Pizza crust
1 egg (see below)
Shredded Parmesan cheese

Shredded mozzarella
Chopped, fresh parsley

Cut up your bacon or prosciutto into tiny pieces. Saute in your skillet on high heat until juices are running out. If you are using bacon, you may want to pour out the majority of your grease (Save this for your bacon tortillas!). Prosciutto doesn't make much grease, so no need to drain if you are using it. Then add your onions, garlic, and chicken or shrimp. Sprinkle on a light dusting of salt and pepper. Cook chicken until still slightly pink, cook shrimp until  almost all the way pink on the outside. Remove from heat. DON'T EAT, IT'S STILL "RAW"! Cooking your calazone will finish up the cooking process.

I am lucky enough to have a grocery store nearby that sells fresh, raw pizza dough, but if you don't have this luxury and don't have time or energy to make it from scratch, you can buy the pre-made pizza rounds and just make a Smokey Alfredo Chicken/Shrimp Pizza (I won't judge).

On a lightly floured pizza stone or baking sheet shape pizza dough to desired thickness. I usually do this by rolling it into a ball than then pinching in the middle and rotating it while pinching, pretty soon I get a nice circle going. One stretched to desired thickness, center one half on the stone/sheet, so 1/2 of your circle will be hanging over. Arrange toppings on the half of your circle centered on the stone/sheet. Layer cheese, sauce, meat, then another layer of cheese making sure to leave a 1 inch edge for sealing. Top with a light sprinkling of fresh parsley.

Beat one egg in a small bowl. With basting brush, spread egg on entire edge of dough, this will stick your edges together so cheese and sauce doesn't go every where. Fold naked side of dough over the topping side; just over the toppings. Now take your overlapping edge and fold it over and roll tight, and crimp so all edges are sealed. Stab entire length of calazone with a fork multiple times (Good stress reliever). Then baste entire top with egg. This will make a pretty, glossy top to your calazone once it's done baking. Sprinkle with Parsley and Parmesan cheese.

Bake at 375 degrees for 45 minutes, or until crust is done. You can cut off a tiny piece of the edge at 30 minutes to test if it's done if you made a pretty thin crust.

If you are just popping in your pizza on your pre-made crust, just cook for about 10-20 minutes until your cheese is nice and melted and starting to brown at its highest peaks.
Bon appetit!

Fettuccine de Chicken Alfredo

Sauteed Chicken

1 tbsp olive oil
1/4 cup chopped onion
1-2 lbs chicken breasts, cut into 1" cubes
1 clove of garlic, pressed
1/2 cup shitty white wine you would never drink
Salt and Pepper to taste

Creamy Alfredo Sauce
1 pint heavy whipping cream (Waistline unapproved)
2 tbsp cream cheese
1/2 cup butter
1 tsp garlic powder
3/4 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
1 tbsp of parsley
Salt and Pepper to taste.

Start your pot of boiling water for your noodles.

Heat olive oil over high heat in a medium sized skillet and add onion. Saute until translucent. Add chicken and garlic and white wine. Add salt and pepper to taste. Cook on high heat until chicken is done. To avoid over cooking your chicken, cook until you can see no pink on the outside of any of your chicken pieces, every couple of minutes after that break open the largest piece and check for pink. When the middle is white, but still juicy, remove from heat. Don't want rubbery chicken!

In a saucepan add cream, cream cheese, butter, garlic, Parmesan cheese and parsley, constantly stir over medium-high heat until cream cheese dissolves and the parm cheese starts to melt. Add salt and pepper to taste (I usually don't add salt since the parm cheese adds enough salt for my taste).Turn down heat to medium, stir frequently for 20 minutes or until your sauce thickens. At ten minutes, add dry fettuccine noodles to your pot of boiling water. Cook to preferred doneness(is that a word?). If you use the fresh fettuccine noodles that you get in the refrigerator section at the store (which I highly recommend) start at 2 minutes.

** don't cook sauce too long after it thickens or your butter will separate from your cream, leaving a curdled looking, greasy mess. I did this once when trying to replicate the Rice a Roni Alfredo noodles. I added my dry noodles to the cooking cream sauce, cooked until noodles were soft, and had the above mentioned grease fest...not pretty or appetizing whatsoever.**

Now you can assemble your plates. I like to keep everything separate, that way I can add more or less chicken to my pasta depending on my mood. Then if I have leftover chicken, I can use it for a salad the next day, and I can use the leftover sauce to put on garlic bread or over broccoli

Chicken Tortilla Soup

1-2 lb chicken breasts, cut into 1" cubes
1/2 cup onion, chopped to desired thickness
1 clove of garlic, pressed
2 tbsp cumin
1 tbsp chili powder
1 tbsp parsley
1 qt chicken broth
1 small can of tomato paste
2 tbsp masa or corn meal
Salt and pepper to taste

Ingredients for Toppings (optional)
corn tortillas
sour cream
shredded cheese

In a large pot add onions and olive oil, saute onions on high heat until translucent. Add chicken and garlic, brown chicken until no pink is visible. add cumin, chili powder, and parsely, stir around. Add chicken broth, 1 can of tomato paste and masa or corn meal. Add salt and pepper to taste and let simmer for about 20 minutes. Next chop up your avocado, cilantro, tomatoes, onion and cut up some corn tortillas into strips. You can either fry up your tortilla strips or bake them in the oven until crispy. I fried mine in about 1tbsp of olive oil and let them drain on a paper towel. Now you can set up a Topping Station with your chopped avocado, cheese, sour cream, tortilla strips, diced tomatoes, onions, and cilantro. This way everyone can add whatever toppings they feel like :)

Homemade Organic Queso Fresco
Makes about 4 cups

1 Gal Organic Whole Milk
2 Tbsp Sea Salt
1/2 Cup White Vinegar

1. In a big pot (6-8 qt) add your milk and salt, stir, then bring up to 190 degrees F using a candy thermometer. Stir frequently.
2. Remove from heat and gradually add the vinegar as you stir the milk. Let it sit for 5 minutes, then gently stir. This is where you will notice the curd separating from the whey.

3. Line a colander with a double thickness of cheesecloth and pour in the contents of your pot, discard the whey (the liquid). Let the curd drain for about 15 to 20 minutes.

4 &5.  Now you can either spoon it into a container, or if you want a firmer cheese you can take the ends off of a tin can, put the can on the plate, spoon the cheese into the can, put the lid over the top and top the lid with a weighted can(see illustration below). I just used a can of beans I had in the pantry :). Then you can chill it for a few hours (4-24) and it will get nice and firm.  

6. Cut the cheese--haha-- into smaller wheels, wrap in saran wrap, then you can either chill and use the individual wheels, or share with friends. See, easy right?
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Cupcakes! Since these aaren't my recipes, just click on the links to take to original recipe
Red Velvet Cupcakes

Boston Cream Pie Cupcakes

Chocolate Cheesecake Filled Cupcakes With Chocolate Frosting

Easy Homemade Marinara
2 16oz cans of tomato sauce
8oz water
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
1 tbsp Oregano
2 tbsp Basil
1 Bay Leaf
2 tbsp onion powder
1 tbsp Chili powder
Salt to taste (1/2Tbsp or so)

Add all ingredients to a big saucepan and simmer, uncovered for at least 45 min or until sauce is the desired consistency. The longer it simmers, the more thick and  flavorful it gets. Be prepared for your stove to look like a war zone if you don't watch your pot. You don't want it to boil, just simmer (small, calm bubbles). Stir every 10 minutes or so to keep from burning. Add to any pasta, spaghetti squash, or pizzas. I always make french bread pizzas with my leftover sauce

Sugar N' Spice and Everything Nice Almonds

3 cups almonds
1 egg white
2 cups of sugar
1/4 cup cinnamon
2 tsp vanilla

Preheat oven to 250 degrees. In a large bowl, add almonds, and stir in egg white and vanilla until almonds are completely covered.  In a small bowl, combine your sugar and cinnamon, then add it to your almonds, mix until all almonds are evenly coated. Spread out almonds in a single layer on a greased cookie sheet and bake for about 20-30 minutes. At 10 minutes, stir almonds around so they bake evenly. To test if your almonds are done, at 20 minutes take one almond out of the oven, pop it in the freezer for a couple minutes to cool, then taste. If the texture is chewy, you need to bake them a little longer, if the almond snaps in your mouth, then their done. Take out, and let cool on the cookie sheet for 10-20 minutes.
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Pepper jelly recipe

3/4lb peppers (whatever kind you got, depends on desired hotness)
2 1/2 cups apple cider vinegar
6 cups sugar
2 pouches of liquid pectin

Wash peppers, take off tops. Core peppers if you want to "sissify" your jelly, but I always leave in the membrane and seeds. Add peppers and 1 cup of your vinegar to the blender and puree. Transfer mixture to a large pot and add the rest of your vinegar. Heat to boil and boil for 10 minutes, stir constantly to make sure you don't burn it. Turn down heat, add pectin and stir until dissolved. Add sugar to your mixture all at once and bring to boil. Boil for another 10 minutes, stirring constantly. Ladle immediately into hot, sterile jars and process in your water canner for 10 minutes. Remove and let cool for 24 hours on a towel.

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Bacon Flavored Flour Tortillas
3 Cups flour
1/3 Cup bacon grease
1 Tbsp salt
1 Cup warm water
Mix your flour and salt in a medium sized bowl, just use your hand and stir everything around. Next add your bacon grease and water, and mix with your hands. After everything is mixed and sticky, begin to knead the dough. Knead until your dough isn't lumpy and you can no longer see streaks or blotches of grease. Then put some plastic wrap over it and let it rest for about 20-30 minutes. Pinch off an inch size piece of dough and knead it in one hand, 12 times, with your thumb and fingers (This is what makes your tortilla soft and chewy). Then roll it in a ball and gently flatten that ball with your palms. Do this to the remainder of the dough, and just put the flattened balls in the same bowl you had the dough in. Cover with plastic wrap and let sit for 5-10 minutes.Next, prepare a flat surface to do your rolling on. Sprinkle flour over surface and rub some on a rolling pin. My great grandma used to use a piece of a broom handle...but I will be using a rolling pin :). Take one of your tortilla dough pancakes put in in the middle of your floured surface and gently roll one way. Pick the tortilla up and rotate 90 degrees, roll the other way. While you are rolling out your dough, heat a comal (Flat cast iron skillet used in Mexico), or just a regular cast iron works fine too -This is what I use). If you don't own either, any old skillet will do. Once you have your first tortilla rolled out, throw it on the skillet. Flip when the bottom turns from translucent to white and little tan marks start to form. While you are waiting to flip your tortilla you can start rolling out the next one.  Wrap finished tortillas in a towel or tortilla warmer.
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My pomegranate jelly recipe: yields 6 half pints
3 1/2 cups pom juice
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 pkg of pectin (powdered)
5 cups of sugar
Add the pom and lemon juice to your pot and slowly stir in your pectin until dissolved. Turn on high heat and bring to a boil, stirring constantly to prevent scorching. Over high heat,  pour in your sugar slowly while stirring constantly, let dissolve. Boil hard for exactly 2 minutes. Ladle immediately into hot, sterile jars leaving 1/4 inch headspace. Wipe rims of jars with clean, damp, paper towel. Add lids and rings. Process for 10 minutes or more depending on your altitude.
1,001 feet to 3,000 feet, add 5 minutes to processing times.
3,001 feet to 6,000 feet, add 10 minutes to processing times.
6,001 feet to 8,000 feet, add 15 minutes to processing
8,001 feet to 10,000 feet, add 20 minutes to processing times.

Cool jars on a dairy towel for 24 hours.
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