The Impatient, But Happy Hooker

Question: Why should I Learn to Crochet?

Answer: So you can make bad ass, little demented projects you and your friends will squeal over!

New, Fun, Crochet finds!

This is TOTALLY NOT your grandma's crochet! check out these crocheted little gems:

http://www.wickedcrochet.blogspot.com/



Gotta love Croshame.com!

OK,  before I begin this post here's a fun game: Take a shot every time you see the word "crochet" in this post; I guarantee you'll be wasted at the end :D.

P.S: Take advantage of all the click-able links on this post, they will direct you to more fun tutorials, sites and videos!

Crocheting isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be! After watching the You Tube videos in my first crochet tutorial blog post, I started crocheting and before I knew it I made a scarf! I was so proud of myself...until I received my book The Happy Hooker in the mail :/ Apparently, there are several versions of a "Single Crochet" stitch. The tutorial I found had me crocheting under one of the loops on the V on the chain stitch instead of both, the Author, Debbie Stoller, called this "Lazy Crochet":( since it leaves "unsightly holes" in your pattern. Unsightly?! I thought it made a pretty pattern; that is until I saw what her single crochet stitches looked like. The other way some people do the single crochet stitch is through the "butt" of the chain stitch; like the lady in this YouTube video, she obviously likes it in the butt...So after reading the first three chapters of The Happy Hooker and learning about the different types of yarn, different types and sizes of crochet hooks, and the Single Stitch Crochet, I began to make rows and rows of  Single Crochet until I could almost do it with my eyes closed. I made a 6x6"square and compared it to my Lazy Scarf and I have to side with her on this one; doing Single Crochet the proper way makes all the difference! So for this lesson, I will go over all the important info leading up to learning the single crochet.

The Lazy Stitch                                         Single Crochet Stitch                                 Half Double Crochet Stitch

Choosing yarn.

I had no idea there were so many different types of yarn. I assumed they were all the same, but different colored. Basically, there are four types: Plant based (cotton, hemp), Animal based (angora, wool, cashmere), Plastic (Acrylic, Rayon), and Blends. The plastic kind is the cheapest, but you definitely get what you pay for in most cases. As I found out with my Lazy Scarf, it can make a pretty scratchy and yucky feeling texture against your skin. So if grandma has ever made you a scratchy blanket, you can assume she was being a cheapskate or perhaps secretly punishing you for not visiting as much as you should. Either way, now you are on to her! So, to keep from going insane when turning the corner of your local craft store and freaking out over the wall of rainbow yarn rolls that kind of bleeds into a single organism, just grab a roll of yarn, check the label, and find out what type it is, or just pick one that feels good against your skin. I recommend learning with Acrylic, since it's the cheapest, but once you get the basics you may want to step it up to blends or even 100% cotton.

There are also different thicknesses to take into consideration, so just remember the thicker your yarn, the thicker your crochet hook must be. The thinnest yarn available is called Fingering weight yarn. It's 4 ply (4 strands of thread,twisted into a single strand) and is best for making lightweight sweaters or baby stuff. Going up the ladder is Sport Weight yarn, which is double the thickness of Fingering, Worsted Weight which is twice as thick as the Sport Weight, Chunky weight (Yes, even yarn must be politically correct now-a-days) twice the size of Worsted, and Extra-Bulky Weight which is really hefty.

Choose your weapon. 

The crochet hook/needle determines how tight your stitches are, the bigger the needle, the looser your stitches. I started out  with a medium size, or 4 mm size G6 in "crochet speak." This was a little difficult for a beginner because the tighter your stitches, the harder it is to wedge your uncoordinated needle-yielding hand into the correct stitch. So just keep going up in size if you keep making jelly beans and can't figure out why. Jelly bean shapes occur because you are keeping too much tension in your yarn while crocheting...trust me...I made a lot of jelly beans! My favorite hook to use, when using size Fingering (4 ply) weight yarn is the 6 mm, size J10. That one seems to be the perfect size for my little hobbit fingers. The evil Lucy Fur also approves of this hook...

Get situated.

The beauty of crocheting is that you can fit it in to any tight schedule, I always multitask and crochet while watching Dexter as I wind down for the night. It can be a little difficult to keep consistent tension when trying to crochet directly from the roll of yarn, so make a ball out of it. To make a ball, place the end of the yarn in the palm of your hand and begin winding the yarn in a figure-eight pattern around your thumb and pinky. Once you do this about 20  times, pull the two loops off your fingers and fold them on top of each other. Begin winding the rest of your yarn around and around until all the yarn is on the ball. This is much better than having to wind it off of the lop-sided roll the entire time. So, now that you have your yarn ball and your favorite crochet hook, find a cozy spot on the couch  or computer and start doing your single crochet whether you prefer the "Lazy Crochet," the double V crochet, or the "like it in the butt" crochet. To each his(or her!) own.

Happy Hooking!

Update: Here is another helpful blog that will help you master crochet "Art Of Crochet by Teresa"

Bow To The Cupcake Queen!

That's right, the girl who said baking is for chemists/math people and vowed to never be good at it, has mastered cupcakery...with the help of some amazing food blogs I have found recently. I was the host of my Sister-in-law's baby shower and instead of baking a boring cake decided it would be a good idea to bake a crap-ton of cupcakes, thinking it should be a piece of cake (pardon the pun). Well...I can tell you, even though they all turned out great, it was a LOT of work! I recommend making one batch of the same type per day, instead of several batches of four types in one day like I did. That is, unless you are a sadomasochist and like to torture yourself.

I made Red Velvet Cupcakes from a recipe I got from the Bitchin' Kitchen blog, Boston Cream Pie Cupcakes, and Chocolate Cheesecake Filled Cupcakes from Sugar Plum Blog, and Rainbow cupcakes that I found in a Blogger forum. With the right tools, I was able make some awesome cupcakes that people raved over. I bought this frosting tool that kind of looks like a caulking gun and has a bunch of different tips that goes with it, this thing is essential for all your frosting needs. So, with the help of my new toy, I was able to not only make good tasting cupcakes, but pretty ones too! This tool is way easier to work with than a frosting bag, and is a must-have for any of you fellow non-girly girls. I'm honestly impressed with myself. This girl who was raised by her father, who played with bugs in the dirt since she was a toddler, and refused to wear dresses until 8th grade, made girly looking, great tasting baked goods!

 If you want to make some bad ass cupcakes, check out the links below. Don't be intimidated to do things from scratch, these little buggers are worth it. The rainbow cupcakes are way easy, all you do is make your favorite white cake batter, divide it up into small bowls, add food coloring to each of the bowls, depending what colors you want, then spoon each color into your cupcake tins and bake. After they cool, add whatever frosting you choose. So to be honest, making cupcakes from scratch was a lot of work, but If I can do it, so can you!! Plus, it feels really good to know you can create something delicious and pretty and still be a tomboy at the same time. Just take my advice and only do one type at a time...unless you want achy feet, a sore back, and tired nerves :).

*Update- Bow to the Cuppy cake boy! Warning: This is so cute, your head might explode!*

Red Velvet Cupcakes

Boston Cream Pie Cupcakes

Chocolate Cheesecake Filled Cupcakes With Chocolate Frosting

Lucy Fur's Jelly Bean

It's good to see my abysmal attempt at crocheting is not in vain. I may not have to buy her another cat toy for a while...

             Lucy has made my crochet FAIL  her b*tch

Tangled In Yarn

Bring on the booze for this next challenge! I decided I was to become a crochet master as soon as Christmas was over. So the other day I trekked to a craft store and bought some pretty purple yarn and a three-pack of brightly colored crochet needles of various sizes. I wasn't sure which size I needed, so I figured one of each wouldn't hurt. Since I am impatient by nature, instead of trying to find a person close by that I could learn from I took to one of my favorite sites, YouTube to begin my lessons. Holy hell...definitely harder than I thought. There are so many different stitches to learn! I thought there was one simple crochet stitch for everything, silly me. Plus the size of the needle makes a huge difference too. The tighter your stitch, the smaller your needle must be.

Over xmas break I found a relative to help me out. She was able to show me a basic stitch and told me to get a smaller needle. Apparently, the smaller the needle, the easier it is to stick through your stitches. Feeling pretty confident, I started out with a scarves width and began my stitches... the more stitches I made, the more my "scarf" started looking like a jelly bean...which leads me to lesson two: keeping consistent tension without pulling too tight on your yarn...that is unless you want to make flat, jelly-bean shapes.

Also, if you plan on getting your crochet on, make sure you give your kitty something to keep her entertained, otherwise she will get all up in your business and add some erratic tension on your yarn thus slowing up the process a bit. As of now, a beer break is looking pretty good. I am not the crafty type, in fact, I tend to suck at most things girly, so this is proving to be quite the challenge. Oh, this tangled web I weave...or attempt to weave anyway. This may be the death of me, I'll be sure to keep you posted. If there was a hell I imagine it would involve baking while following a recipe, and crocheting. Maybe it will get better once I figure out what the hell I am doing. :)

My goal: I really want to make something cool and unique once I learn to crochet, so after I figure out how to crochet in a straight line, I want to design and make a girly beer coozy with crochet flowers to hold my favorite Sam Adams or Dogfish Head beer. Then I want to design and make a simple crochet  purse to replace my cloth Aerosmith bag I have patched up  and nursed through the past two years. Unlike most women, I have one purse that I drag with me everywhere, and one annoying one that I take out only when I wear heels. Aerosmith goes with just about everything ;).

So, feel free to go grab some yarn and a thin needle and learn along with me. Here are the links to the YouTube videos I have been watching. Since it's going to take a while to complete this mission, I will be blogging about other stuff that comes my way until I learn any more crochet tips worth blogging about. :D

YouTube Links!
The little song in the intro and outro is comical
Lesson 1: Chain stitch (this is your starting point)
Lesson 2: The Single Crochet Stitch

My Cast Iron Skillet Hates Me

There are certain things you cannot do to a cast iron skillet. I think I have done all of them at least once. I asked for a cast iron skillet last year for xmas because all of the cool old ladies I've ever met had them. To me cast iron skillet=honorary good cook. I carefully oiled mine and baked it at 350 degrees for an hour or so thinking this would make a magical force field over my skillet and make it invincible.  I was told this was "seasoning" my skillet. Still not sure what this is supposed to accomplish, since my skillet is still one temperamental b*tch, I must be doing something wrong. If I look at it right, the handle looks like a giant contemptuous middle finger taunting me saying, "Eff you, you will never win!"

My husband said the only thing you are supposed to make with a cast iron skillet is biscuits...mainly because his grandma was a master of homemade biscuits so now that's all he can associate a cast iron skillet with. I'm beginning to think he may be right and I just have to get it through my head that "seasoning" does NOT mean non-stick. For example, I tried frying up potatoes the other day...things were just fine until I tried flipping them with a spatula, and instead of flipping, my potatoes clung defiantly to the skillet as if to say "Sorry, skillet wins. Now we will stick together and watch you panic as you frantically try to pry us apart. Muhuhahahaha..." Now the skillet AND the potatoes hate me. Same thing with ground beef, squash, and now even my beloved tortillas have joined the war. They all cling to her like their lives depend on it.

I've even tried to schmooze the skillet and only wipe it out with a paper towel instead of using water or soap...which still kind of grosses me out. Alas, it wouldn't fall for my gesture, and just tore up my paper towel and rolled the small pieces in oily wads and watched delightfully as I had to painstakingly pick out each one like tiny, little, 'F you' spit wads. So, finally I held up my white flag, gave the skillet another shellacking of oil and threw it in my oven where it now lives. Luckily, I have found as long as I keep her oiled up, she doesn't kill my tortillas...other than that she pretty much dead to me and stays in the dark oven cave.

After vowing to agree to disagree with my skillet, I hit the internets to find out what I was doing wrong. I found some really valuable tips that I never knew before. I may make friends with her after all...

Tips To Live By So Your Cast Iron Skillet Doesn't Hate You

1. To season properly, coat skillet with oil or shortening, bake for 1 hr at 350 degrees. Or you can season by adding a thick layer of kosher salt in the skillet, putting a layer of oil on top of that (1/2 inch), heat skillet until oil smokes, pour out salt and oil, then wipe with a paper towel.
2. Heat is important, make sure your skillet is hot before you put food in.
3. Never put food straight from the refrigerator into the skillet, the drastic temp contrast causes food to stick. Food should be close to room temperature.
4. Never boil water in your cast iron skillet, it will rust.
5. Be patient, don't flip your food too soon. Wait until it gets a good sear on the outside, then flip to avoid sticking.
6. Never put in the dishwasher.
7. Always coat with oil when you are done (learned this from Grammy, not the internet).
8. If your skillet is hot, don't put it under cold water, it could crack
9. Wash with mild detergent and scrub brush if you have sticky stuff on the skillet, or wipe out immediately with a paper towel after use. If you let it soak the skillet will no longer be seasoned, so you'll have to season again.
10. If your food starts tasting metallic, re-season your skillet.
11. Don't store foods in your skillet, the acids will break down the oils.
12. Cooking with an cast iron skillet adds iron to your food. This is good, and is a fun fact I never knew, however don't cook tomatoes in your skillet because the tomato's acidity will react with the iron which could cause your tomatoes to turn a dark color and taste metallic as it soaks up the iron. Share this tip with your anemic friends!
13. Cast iron skillets can last a lifetime if they are properly cared for (my grammy still uses the cast iron her mom used), non-stick pans only last up to 5 years.
14. Oh, and don't forget, the handle gets HOT, so use a mitt or pot holder :)

I'm going to try these tips, then maybe me and Skillet can be friends after all...

What The ____ Is That?! Part Deux

Update!

 

Decided to take a friend up on her advice and made Spaghetti Squash Marinara for the first time ever. I love spaghetti, and didn't think it was possible for me to love it more...but this totally made my taste buds high-five each other. Freaking blissful amazingness, is the only valid way to describe it. I was a little skeptical when she said, once cooked the squash will make noodle-like shapes if you drag a fork across it...but I'll be damned, sure enough that's exactly what happened.

Here's how you tame the spaghetti squash:

First you cut it in half lengthwise. Then poke holes in the skin with a fork

Pull out all the seeds and pulp and put it face down on a cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes. Then just turn it over and start scraping out it's insides with a fork. Here's a sh*tty video for you if you need a demonstration:

You can use the squash's skin as a bowl as you scrape out it's innards. When you scrape out all the guts, you can put it on a plate then top it with your favorite marinara sauce, for a nice vegetarian dish. Or if you are an animal lover, and a self proclaimed member of PETA (not the naked, angry PETA, the People Eating Tasty Animals:PETA) add some meat sauce or meatballs to your squash. I chose the meat sauce and just added some ground beef to some marinara that I canned over the summer. SOOOO GOOOD. I didn't miss the starchy noodles one bit, and actually I  prefer the squash noodles, because I can eat a lot more and I don't feel like I'm going to explode. One cup of squash only has 42 calories and is packed full of folic acid, potassium, vitamin A, and beta carotene. I'm definitely going to plant some this year. So in conclusion, I am really pissed at myself for not trying winter squash sooner, I've been missing out for 25 years of my life!  Don't make the same mistake. 

                                                          

Homemade marinara is really easy, once you put your ingredients together it just takes a while to simmer so don't be intimidated! I like a flavorful, thin sauce without the crazy chunks and surprises floating around in it. So my recipe is pretty simple:

My Homemade Marinara

2 16oz cans of tomato sauce

8oz water

2 cloves of garlic, crushed

1 tbsp Oregano

2 tbsp Basil

1 Bay Leaf

2 tbsp onion powder

1 tbsp Chili powder

Salt to taste (1/2Tbsp or so)

Add all ingredients to a big saucepan and simmer, uncovered for at least 45 min or until sauce is the desired consistency. The longer it simmers, the more thick and  flavorful it gets. Be prepared for your stove to look like a war zone if you don't watch your pot. You don't want it to boil, just simmer (small, calm bubbles). Stir every 10 minutes or so to keep from burning. Add to any pasta, spaghetti squash, or pizzas. I always make french bread pizzas with my leftover sauce.

I recently found this recipe for Spaghetti Squash Stir Fry that I will most definitely try soon! Happy eating!

What the ____is that?!

Ever take a trip to the farmers market or grocery store and see a vegetable or fruit you've never seen or heard of before? Or perhaps, you know what it is, but have no desire to try it? Why is that? Fruits and veggies are cheap, so it's not a big deal if you try something you don't like because you can always give it to the neighbor or throw it in your compost pile, or at a friend. So this is my challenge to all of you: try something that's in season that you've never tried before, get recipes online, and experience something fun and new! You may discover something you won't know how you lived without. I did just that last week.

I was given some winter type squashes, or "squarsh" as my relatives down South would say, by my bestie who brought some home from work (another perk of having friends working in agriculture). At first I was thinking, "What the hell am I going to do with those?" I've seen these on people's tables as decorations before, never actually seen or heard of them being eaten...There has to be a reason for that, right? I decided to try and do something with the acorn squash first, since it was the smallest and least intimidating. I looked online to make sure I could saute it, because I wasn't going to make the same mistake I did with Hiyacha persimmons and just plunge into this thing and get a mouth full of prickly sh*t. So...

Here's how to saute acorn squash for a side dish:

I cut the acorn squash in half, it was so tough! I had to use my body weight to crack this thing open. I cut it into 1" thick slices, then cut the slices into cubes. I splashed about a tablespoon of olive oil in a skillet and dropped in my squash pieces. I sprinkled them with onion powder, garlic salt, and a little bit of cayenne pepper and sauteed them on medium heat for about 10 minutes, flipping them over every few minutes to avoid scorching. Make sure to pick out one piece and taste to make sure your squash is nice and soft all the way through. The seasonings form a nice and subtle salty crust and compliment the naturally sweet and savory potato/yam like texture of the squash. Soooo deliciously wonderbar (that's German for freaking awesome)!

I have to say, this is now my new favorite vegetable! Acorn squash is delicious! My husband, who has an aversion to anything green, or healthy, was even amazed on how "un-vegetable-like" the acorn squash is. You can make it as a side dish, or eat it on it's own. Interestingly enough I was given another opportunity to eat acorn squash the other day. I was at an almond grower conference, and at our luncheon we had chicken with acorn squash and brocoflower as sides. They baked our acorn squash with a little butter and brown sugar on top...Oh my, I am now mad at myself for not trying acorn squash sooner! If you could bottle up delicious sexiness, it would taste like this. Baking it with the brown sugar really brings out the savory characters of the squash, it was like nothing i've ever experienced. Funny part was, sitting at a table full of farmers, I was the only one that knew what it was! I saw all of them begin to pick at it, smell it, then take a small bite, smoosh it around on their tongues. I heard one guy ask another, "what is that?" and the other guy replies, "some type of potato?" So, feeling a little more cultured and better than everyone else, since I was now an acorn squash aficionado, I politely let them know that that potato was actually acorn squash. I found a similar recipe that you can use for either butternut or acorn squash; I thought I should share because this is by far the best way to eat acorn squash...I also love how the author of this recipe specifies using clean hands to handle the squash! Made me giggle a little.

So, in conclusion, winter squash, as I have found, is NOT solely for decorations or throwing at friends. It's actually quite tasty!  So, no more being stuck in a rut with you or your partners finicky habits. Introduce something new to your table, something local, and in season of course.