Retro Glama...and Retro WTF

Imagine a time of innocence, a time of naivety, where women wore heels in the kitchen with made-up faces and A-line dresses. Imagine a world where political correctness was never necessary and where people kept their problems behind shut doors, a world before Entertainment Television and tabloid drama. Thoughts like this stream through my head as I flip through articles from the past stashed away in a file box and left for decades. The above pictures were my favorite WTF treasures I found, along with my absolute creepy fav on the right. Seriously, I think I saw this guy in the Megan's Law website! Oh! And Ken, with the crocheted outfit, including socks...you sure are dreamy too.

First, I have to thank my  hubbz' grandma for giving me some pretty amazing treasures! I was given a box full of crochet magazines and patterns dating back from the 1940's to 1980's. It was so much fun looking through all of these treasures. Just to think some of these patterns haven't been made or even glanced at since the Forties just boggles my mind!

Oh, and the ads! You should see the ads in these pamphlets, hilarious! So many, work at home selling greeting card ads, "Learn Shorthand!", "Become a Christian Writer!", and my favorite "Reduce! Keep slim...use Electric Spot Reducer!"- yeah, nice cover, this is like the retro version of the "back massager" shaped like a rod we all see in the back of Women's magazines today. Yeah honey, we know what you're going to do with that, and it's not being used for your belly...Wink, wink.

Oh dear, here are a couple examples of the lack of political incorrectness I referred to!

         Lucy was in heaven as soon as she pried
the lid of the musty old box from my hands.
She has a weird addiction to musty things.

Above are some of my favorite ads. Besides laughing at ads all day, I found so many cool patterns! Once I figure my way around a video camera, I may post a tutorial for a few of these, they are WAY too cool not to share.

Instant Girlification

Instead of randomly making crocheted scarfs and purses for nobody in particular, I decided to start concentrating my efforts on specific people...mostly so I don't have a lot of shit sitting in my closet, leaving me racking my brain wondering who to give it too.

I made Turdy the Turtle for my sweet nephew, and some random amigurumi strawberries for my crazy 9 year old niece (per request) and now I get to girly-up my littlest niece with some cute little headbands.

My Sister-In-Law has made it her personal quest to make her youngest daughter into a girly-girl; whether she likes it or not, damnit. ;) Since she has lost all hope for her older daughter (I believe I may have had a slight hand in facilitating her tomboyish, dirt-loving, anti-girly-girl persona) Emily is her only hope at having an actual girl to dress up in ruffles and lace.

 So, I made it my mission to help girlify her; the best part is I can do it practically for free since I'm using nothing but yarn scraps! Plus I have the most adorable model ever created, which makes the job a lot easier. Presenting Miss Emily, pronounced "Em-A-Yee" if you are gangsta like my three year old nephew :D.

Making headbands for my adorable neice is a breeze. Seriously, doesn't this little head scream for some sort of giant bow? I've found some really cute little patterns for crochet flowers and butterflies and thought I would share since they are SOOOO easy to make. If you have 10-20 minutes, you can make one of these. Don't know how to crochet? Niether did I four months ago. Here are some tutorials.

I found free patterns for small butterflies, flowers, etc. and then just stitched them to the crocheted band that I made from chain stiches, or single crochet stitches. You can also just hot glue them to a hair clip...but for babies with little hair, the headband works best. Bald is beautiful ;)

To make the headband, just measure the head, make that many chains or stitches, and fasten ends together. After I made a few of them I decided to get creative, I made up my own baby cupcake and flower designs (I put links to similar ones below) and bought rhinestones and cute little buttons (or as the hubbz says "cute, little, baby choking hazards") to ebellish with!

I made up the cherry pattern (seen up top) on my own. So to do it, just follow the "testicle" pattern I used for making the "wocket ship" lip balm cozy with red yarn, then make the stem from chain stitches in green yarn. Seems wrong...but nobody will ever know they were made from a testicle pattern :D

Here are the links to my favorite little designs:
Butterfly
Flower 1
Flower 2
Flower 3
Flower 4
Little heart
Cupcake

Go Ag!

So you think you can craft?

I stumbled upon this amazing find when I was checking out pistachio pictures on Google for a presentation I've been working on. At first I was like, "how does this have anything to do with pistachios?" Then, I took a closer look and was amazed that this entire flower was made out of pistachio shells! How freaking cool, not to mention resourceful! I love me some pistachios and always thought it seemed like a waste to just throw the shells away, they have this really cool shape and hard texture...but I of course am not creative enough to think of something like this.

So I clicked on the photo to find Rebecca Douglas of ReLoved Designs cute little blog. She is one crafty chick and what makes her cooler is that everything she makes has been recycled! From the pistachio broaches (That I bought 3 of) to her jewelry made from buttons and bottle caps, this is a girl after my own heart. Yay for environmentally chic!

I was so excited when I got my broaches in the mail, especially since EVERYTHING had been recycled! seriously, the broaches came in these cute little boxes crafted from cereal boxes, it was filled with shredded paper, undoubtedly from her own home. She even included a cute little handwritten note from a nutrition facts cut-out. So please, go check out, and patronize this chicky, she's pretty bad ass. And, if you want a pistachio broach tutorial, check out her blog!

Lucy even approved...



Yay for cute cubicle decorations!



Killer Mango Ceviche

Summer is right around the corner! Even though the weather has been crazy, my brain has convinced my tongue it's time for Summer food. I LOVE ceviche, which is a lovely, fresh Mexican dish consisting of chopped tomato, onion, jalapeno, cilantro and marinated fish or shrimp; served cold and eaten with tortilla chips or on a tostada...I also love Mango salsa, something about the tart and mildly sweet mango co-mingling with tomato, cucumber, onion, and jalapeno just brings a smile to my face. So I figured, why not combine my two loves to form this amazing conglomeration of flavors! And yes, it is wonderful, and healthy too! I don't know about you, but all the dark beer and creamy, fattening dishes I've been savoring all Winter long are starting to make my pants fit a little tighter...I keep blaming the dryer for shrinking them, but my denial phase has reached it's end; time to start eating better!

Tips before you get started

• Make sure you buy a mango that isn't over-ripe. Mangoes should be slightly soft, but not mushy. Firm mangoes are easy to cut and shouldn't become completely obliterated when you work with them. If you've never cut a mango before the seed is a long, flat, surf-board shaped thing in the middle that runs the entire length of the fruit. You will have to cut around that seed to get the flesh. Easiest thing to do is peel it first, then holding it long-ways, cut downward starting a few centimeters from the middle. Or check out this video tutorial for everything you could possibly want to know about how to choose and cut a mango :)
• If you have never made ceviche before, the idea of marinating your fish in lemon juice over night, then eating the next day without it touching heat may seem a little...unsafe. However, the acidity completely "cooks" your fish for you and the acidity breaks down the fishes' rubbery texture so it's a lot more smooth to your tongue. Just make sure you marinate your fish in nothing but lemon or lime juice! Don't add any water, spices, or salt, otherwise your acidity will be altered and your fish will not "cook" properly. Make sure you submerse your chopped fish with juice. Here is the recipe:
• You can use any white fish you like, or shrimp. I prefer both Tilapia and shrimp

Killer Mango Ceviche

1 Mango, chopped
1/2 Cup chopped onion
1 Roma tomato, chopped
1 Cucumber, chopped
1 Cup of chopped, lemon/lime marinated white fish/shrimp (see note below)
1-2 Jalapenos finely chopped
1 Tbsp Fresh Cilantro, chopped
Lemon/Lime juice to cover fish (see below)

Cut up our fish or shrimp into 1/4 inch pieces, place in a  Tupperware container. Add lemon or lime juice and cover. I use lemon, but my mom uses lime, both are great! Make sure you add enough juice to completely cover fish or shrimp. Remember, don't add any salt, water, or spices of you will alter acidity levels! Put lid on, refrigerate for 24 hours. Drain completely in a colander and lightly salt.

Cut up all the other ingredients and add with fish to a large bowl. Combine and enjoy on top of tostadas, eat with chips, or just enjoy on its own.

Provecho!
(Means Enjoy in Spanish)

Turdy The Turtle

I made this little dude for my sweet nephew; I can just see his cute, sugary, sticky widdle smile now. This style of crochet is called Amigurumi; it's a Japanese art of making crochet animals. Amigurumi literally translates to crocheted/knitted, stuffed doll. The pattern was really easy to follow too which was great! I made it in less than three hours. I got my pattern from Crochet magazine. Here is a similar pattern that you can have fun with and customize all your own! Happy hooking!

Here are some more patterns for an Amigurumi Penguin and Koala 

Meanwhile, keeping my eyes on the mission:

My newest project is only in the research phase. Ever heard of tatting? No, not the kind with a needle and ink. Tatting is a really old needlework technique used to make intricate laces....and haven't you heard, lace is "in" this year. Whatever that means ;) All I know is, my great grandma used to be an amazing tatter, but the tradition stopped with her...I will be attempting to resurrect it!

So far I've found this incredible site that has antique crochet and needlework patterns. Suck it Martha Stewart, once I learn to tat, I will be infinitely cooler than you.

Wanna learn along with me? Here is what I am looking at at the moment.

Sew What? When The Yarn Meets The Thread

Favorite phrase of the night: "That's what seam rippers are for."-Grammy

I decided it would be really cool to put a lining in the crochet purses I made last month which I modeled after this crochet purse from one of my favorite crochet blogs, Tangled Happy. Only problem was...I can't sew for shit. My awesome Mother In-law bought me a sewing machine two years ago for xmas and after reading the manual I could thread a bobbin, thread the top, and do a basic, crooked as hell, stitch. But I still couldn't "sew".

I knew I couldn't do this alone so luckily my grammy was there to save the day! She and my grandpa drove over 400 miles just to come visit and I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to break out the sewing machine and have the master seamstress show me a thing or two. Not only did I learn how to sew, I was also shown how to properly do a whip stitch by hand, since what I was calling a whip stitch was actually a basting stitch...who would have thunk ;). Good thing too because a whip stitch kicks a basting stitch's ass any day. According to grammy, the basting stitch was around before the use of pins, but now that we have pins to secure fabric before sewing, we don't need that stitch anymore. Be sure to click on the links above for the video tutorials!

We had such a great time too! We talked and sewed and grammy reminisced about her "learning to sew days" back in high school where her sewing teacher was also her sex ed teacher; apparently they were a little short staffed. It was hilarious listening to my grammy recount learning about the birds and the bees from this spinster cat-lady of a teacher who never had a boyfriend--let alone sex. Good thing she had such a strict sewing teacher, who wasn't distracted by men or sex, because she was able to concentrate her frustrations into her sewing. This teacher may not have ever had sex, but it seems she was anal about her sewing. She made her pupils sew paper until they could create a perfectly straight stitch before they were allowed to move on to fabric. Thanks spinster, sexually frustrated teacher, because of you my grammy is pretty amazing.

So here's how to make a lining for your crochet bag: Find some non stretchy material for your lining, like cotton or satin for example. Fold fabric in half and measure your bag. Cut fabric so that it is 1 inch bigger than your bag on the top and sides.

Once you have your lining sized, cut out a pocket from another piece of material. Fold in the edges so it's nice and pretty, make sure you iron as you go. it's really important to iron down your folds. It makes it sew much easier! Sorry, couldn't resist :) 



Grammy, showing me how to iron the edges of the fabric under. I used this lining for a pretty sea-foam green bag I made. Pictured above.

Now position your pocket and pin to the printed side of your fabric! Then sew the bottom and sides to your lining.



Fold your lining so that the wrong side of the fabric is facing you and your pocket is on the inside. Position over your bag and place your pins where your bag meets your work surface. Then sew the sides of your lining.



Now, fold down the top about an inch and iron it flat.

Slip your liner inside of your bag and whip stitch to the crochet part all the way around. So easy, even this tomboy could do it!

Thanks Grammy!!

ABC's, a little about me.

So hopefully you are enjoying your delicious balsamic strawberry Mouthgasm, that was ridiculously easy to make, and giggling while you apply your lip balm in an interesting shaped lip balm cozy. In the meantime, however, I have a little game for you. I stole this post idea from Becky from Strumpet's and Crumpets, who stole it from Olivia from Secretly Loves Pink, who stole it from someone else, because I think it's cute! Here are My ABC's and I'd LOVE to see my readers (you!) copy and paste this into the comments section and give me your ABC's.

I insisted on the bubble necklace. Yeah...I never had much fashion sense...

Age: 26

B. Bed size: Queen
C. Chore that you hate: all
D. Dogs: none...yet! only an evil little kitty
E. Essential start to your day: Sugary, kid cereal. Must satisfy my zombie-like "id" state in the morning!
F. Favorite color: lavender
G. Gold or Silver: White Gold...Silver's more expensive, snobby cousin
H. Height: 5'3.75"...Yes, us shorties count EVERY decimal place :D
I. Instruments you play: None...unless you count the recorder in 5th grade. Didn't everyone play those?
J. Job title: Is about to change, very soon. Yay for moving up and getting more paper to fluff the nest.

K. Kids: does my kitty count? How about my lizards? No? meh...
L. Live: California
M. Mother's name: means "Beautiful" en Espanol
N. Nicknames: candy, candy cane, candy ass, candy(insert noun here), wifey(thanks bestie Ri), candy kisses(thanks mom), sunshine girl(thanks dad), La weda (thanks work buddies), Dulce...I'm sure there are more, and probably evil ones I don't know about...haha
O. Overnight hospital stays: appendectomy when I was 10
P. Pet peeve: Smacking when you eat - drives me to the brink of insanity.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Pardon me for being rude, it was not me it was my food. It just popped up to say hello, but now it's gone back down below"- Austin Powers, after he passed gas in front of Alotta Fagina. I'm ashamed to admit it now, but I was OBSESSED with all the Austin Powers films(should they even be called films??) when I was a kid.

R. Right or left handed: Both! I'm one of those oddballs who writes with my left, and does most everything else with either.

S. Siblings: Cassy 19, Kristin 14. Love my little sissies (who are now both taller than me) <3

T. Time you wake up: 5:25AM...on weekdays. 8-9AM on most weekends.

U. Underwear: I've always had a panty fetish, I've tried all kinds, but pretty and cotton is my go-to :D

V. Vegetable you hate: Turnips...Seriously turnips, why are you so horrible. 

W. What makes you run late: My dad always taught me that being late was one of the worst traits a person can have....but I admit, it does happen once in a while. If this does occur, I will undoubtedly show up looking disheveled and sweaty due to the fact that my ass has just moved at a record-breaking pace and I will also be suffering from a severe feeling of shame which will cause my face to turn beat red. If I am late it's because of the following: Wardrobe malfunction, forgot to set my alarm on my phone correctly, lost keys, forgot

X. X-Rays you've had: Back...my back is effed up.

Y. Yummy food that you make: I LOVE cooking, so LOTS of things. My favorite go-to meal though is Spaghetti.

Z. Zoo animal: I'm more interested in the bugs crawling around me...however, hippo's are pretty damn cute. Thanks Disney's Fantasia for making me picture all, potentially murderous hippos as happy, fat, tutu-wearing ballerinas.

We go together like Bob Ross and happy little trees <3